We decided it was a nice enough day to take a walk with the family.
Apparently it was a nice enough day to run into some scantily clad sun bathers.
I watched my husband to see if he had any reaction when we passed one particularly curvaceous girl.
I don't think he noticed me watching him. He did not turn or look in her direction at all, but did not appear to be purposely avoiding her either. I certainly was looking. A lot. Jealously, even.
After this second baby I haven't done much to try to be attractive. The weight gain wouldn't be as much as an issue if I hadn't also just let any interest in dressing in anything other than lounge wear (and not the sexy kind) fall by the wayside. Sometimes I wear things I know do not accentuate the right aspects of my body. And I don't really care. I have never worn much make up and I don't even own any sort of curling iron.
Maybe it wouldn't matter if I was not married to a particularly attractive man. He does not flaunt his good looks and physique, luckily for me. He is just a very active person and is blessed. Probably because he was an awkward adolescent, he has never used his looks to his advantage. I never believed that girls were aggressive when it came to men until I knew him. They will stare and honk and try to catch his eye. He is only gruff and unresponsive when it comes to female attention that is not me. And I don't think I'm being naive here. He is a good man.
Thinking about all of this made me feel a bit guilty. I've gotten comfortable. I take things for granted. Looking good for him is the least of it. I know that the less I think of myself, physically, the less I believe that he is interested in me, despite all he does to show that he is. He has never shied away from my physical imperfections--quite the opposite, in fact. After several years of marriage I am still surprised by it.
I often realize that if he were not sexually interested in me I would be devastated. I am sometimes annoyed by his advances but really, if the tables were turned I would feel unloved.
He must feel unloved at times. It isn't fair at all.